Cultivating gratitude begins with the reflex ‘thank-you’ that parents teach children. We teach children to say thank you when someone gives them a gift or does something nice for them. We tell them to say thank you. We might even force them to say thank you by threatening to take back the gift. We know that very young children say thank you only because they have to and not because they feel a sense of gratitude. Nonetheless, it is an important first step in building a practice of gratitude. The Jewish source for this comes from the Talmud [Sanhedrin 105b], regarding Torah study or doing mitzvot, mitokh shelo lishma, ba lishma, “from doing something not for its own sake, one will come to do it for its own sake.”

Ultimately, though, we want to cultivate a real, deep sense of gratitude. We’d like for the practice of saying thank you to be an expression of the gratefulness we feel in our souls, not just a barely remembered reflex. This begins with an attitude of how we do things for others. Take a lesson from Pirke Avot [1:3]:

“Do not be like servants who serve the master in the expectation of receiving a reward. Rather, be like servants who serve the master without the expectation of receiving a reward.”

When we volunteer, help others, serve others, or do acts of kindness simply because we want to help, or because it is the right thing to do, or even out of a sense of obligation or commandedness, we cultivate a habit of not expecting the reward of a ‘thank you.’ Any gratitude we get back is an unexpected bonus, a delight to be appreciated and savored. This leads us towards a deeper sense of appreciation for the kindnesses others do for us with no expectation of reward. Because we know how it feels to get an unexpected thank you, we are more likely to feel a deep sense of gratitude, and the thank you that we offer will flow from depths of our soul.

In short, the path to becoming a more grateful person begins with doing quiet acts of kindness for others. Anonymous gifts of tzedakah, bringing a meal to someone experiencing some kind of difficult situation, volunteering to help with a synagogue program or support a minyan, or sit with a friend in a time of need.

Some people, at their Thanksgiving table, have a practice of going around the table and sharing something that they are thankful for. Maybe this year, try instead to share a moment when you received an unexpected gift of gratitude, and a moment when you gave someone the gift of an unexpected thank you.

Hebrew word(s) of the Month:

• • Modeh Ani L’fanekha – A piece of the morning liturgy, “I am grateful to you …”
• • Todah – thank you