The Embodied Torah of Death

Divre Harav – March, 2024

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In memory of Dale Krishef, Devorah bat Yoel u’Feigel.

Most of us will sit shiva for two major losses during out lifetime, that of our parents; and some will also have occasion to mourn the significant losses of spouses, siblings, or children. Shiva is an intense period of mourning, during which the mourner does not leave his or her home for seven days, except on Shabbat, when the public rituals of mourning are set aside. The mourner wears the torn shirt (or ribbon) during shiva as a sign of loss and we bring a minyan into their home. For a person who is deeply engaged in Jewish community, who is a regular part of a synagogue community, during shiva the community shows its love by reaching out with food and their presence. I can testify first hand to the power of this love and I am grateful to each person who went out of their way to come into our home during my recent shiva after their loss of my mother.

There is wisdom in the practice of Jewish mourning because it places the mitzvah of taking care of the mourner on the community and encourages the mourner to take time off to mourn and reflect.

Following the intensity of shiva, we say kaddish until 30 days after the burial, known as sheloshim. In the cases of the loss of parents, that 30 day mourning period is extended for a year (although most people stop saying kaddish after 11 months). In my case, I am trying to take the prohibition against attending or listening to programs of entertainment fairly seriously, at least for sheloshim. In the normal course of my life, I use entertainment to distract me from my thoughts. It might elevate my thoughts to a higher level, if I am watching a program of substance, but more often, it is the equivalent of cotton candy – no substance, lots of sugar, a distraction with no content of value. When living under a digital entertainment blackout, I find that at least some of the time I am reviewing memories of my mother, along with my father and other family members who are no longer with us. Some memories are pleasant, but many carry levels of regret and sadness. That’s what mourning is about: sitting with the memories, experiencing and processing and sifting through the sadness to find the hidden beauty underneath.

The custom of marking the anniversary of a death, known as yahrtzeit, by saying kaddish is an additional way that we might continue to observe the mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim, honoring one’s father and mother, or showing the same kind of honor and love for the memory of spouses, siblings, and children. There are two parts to this custom. First, I’d encourage you to come to the synagogue on the Shabbat on or before the yahrtzeit to say kaddish and also, if you are comfortable, to receive an aliyah. Second, to help the synagogue gather a minyan of people on the evening or morning of the yahrtzeit itself to say kaddish.

Finally, four times a year we include a special memorial service in the Yom Kippur and Festival services, known as yizkor. This is an additional opportunity and reminder to spend a few minutes thinking about your loved ones and saying prayers in their memory.

Hebrew (and Yiddish) Words of the Month:

  • Shiva – “seven” The seven day mourning period beginning with the burial.
  • Sheloshim – “thirty” The thirty day mourning period beginning with the burial.
  • Kaddish Yatom – “orphan’s Kaddish” The Kaddish assigned to mourners.
  • Yahrtzeit (Yiddish) – “anniversary” The anniversary of a death according to the Hebrew calendar.
  • Yizkor – A memorial service.

Psalm 144

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“His days are like a passing shadow.” (144:4)

A cloud, an object comprised of a wisp of substance, blows across the sun and casts a shadow. The human life is compared to that shadow, a non-object of no substance at all. When we are here, we are barely here. Our lives hardly make a difference, the equivalent of a brief cool respite on a hot day. Yet we are human, we are sentient, and we have the power as a species to recognize our mortality and construct elaborate mythic structures to give our lives meaning. Even a wisp of a cloud has the power to eclipse the sun, and a weary traveler on a hot day gives thanks for that moment of shade.

Psalm 137

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“There we sat down and yes, we wept, as we remembered Zion.” (137:1)

When I am not in Jerusalem and I think about the city, I don’t weep. In my lifetime, Zion only grows more magnificent from visit to visit. But I get a sense of the crushing sadness of the Psalmist when I fly into New York past the 1776 foot spire of One World Trade center. It is a beautifully designed building, but I see the ghosts of the two blocky towers that preceded it. I see the planes crashing and the bodies falling and the glass and metal disintegrating and the and paper showering lower Manhattan. And I cry.

Psalm 136

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“Who took note of us in our degradation” (136:23)

Many years ago, I experienced the loss of a grandfather to whom I was very close. It was the first time I witnessed a human death. For several weeks afterward, I carried a heavy burden of sadness, but friends whom I thought were close either didn’t notice or chose not to address it. One person finally noticed my sadness and remarked on it, giving me the chance to offload my emotional baggage. It felt good to know that someone cared enough to take note of my demeanor and ask if I was OK. My mental state immediately improved.

Psalm 132

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“This is my resting-place for all time” (132:14)

People can be funny about their final resting place. They might want to be next to this person, but not anywhere near that other person, as if their burial plot is like a permanent seat at a forever cocktail party. They might want a view or a nice shady tree – although in this respect they might be thinking more of their still-living visitors than themselves. Jewish tradition requires Jews to be buried among Jews, on the assumption that their bones are less likely to be disturbed if future generations of Jews are watching over them. Forever is a long time. Choose your spot wisely!